


The Silent Killer

by Xiuchennie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Kim Jongdae | Chen-centric, M/M, Mention of Kim Minseok, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:08:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27731299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xiuchennie/pseuds/Xiuchennie
Summary: Do you know what the Silent Killer stands for?
Relationships: Kim Jongdae | Chen/Kim Minseok | Xiumin
Kudos: 6





	The Silent Killer

**Author's Note:**

> Depression, lost, hatred for one’s own self and betrayal.
> 
> Wrote this while crying... enjoy I guess?

It’s dark, too dark to see anything around. Sounds of muffled whimpers echo in the small room. He tries to swallow down his sobs but for how long will he be able to? It’s been two hours.. 

Two hours of deadly laying down on that bed. Facing the dark ceiling and burning tears run down his cheeks. How much more can he hold it in? 

On a specifically loud sob that threatens to leave, he covers his mouth harshly with both of his hands.

Even in times like these, he can’t fully express his emotions. 

Can’t cry, yell or curse. 

He’s deprived even from being sad. 

He can’t take it any longer. It’s killing him silently from the cores. No one, and I mean entirely no one can handle the slightest bit of pain he experiences almost on the daily. He hasn’t gone one single day without being in a scene like this.

Everyday, he puts on a big smile on his face, his lips curl up so high resembling a cat’s grin. His smile makes everyone around him smile in return. His soft voice and words makes everyone feel better. 

Whenever someone is sad, tired or angry he always tries his best to be there for them and bring a little bit of light into their hearts. No matter what, he won't let go of a sad person before they smile, or an angry person before they calm down. Everyone seeks him for help, whether it’s physical or emotional. 

He’s a ray of sunshine. 

But deep down inside, he’s fighting lots of demons daily. Every minute and every second. He fights, fights and fights till at the end of the day he reaches the dorms, specifically his bed and hides under his blanket to release all the tears he’s been hiding all day. 

He’s had enough. 

He slowly gets up from his bed and heads towards the bathroom locking it up before turning on the hot water to run over his numb body and maybe burn his numb heart. 

He stands there sobbing as hard as he wants… or can. 

He holds his hands close to his face, he watches how the water slips through his fingers just like his well to continue living. Slightly shaking, just like his voice. 

His sorrowful tears wouldn’t stop or disappear, no matter how much he keeps whipping them off, more comes along. 

This colorless world he’s living, doesn't make him feel  _ alive. _

His heart keeps shattering into pieces the more he thinks of his  _ love _ , his  _ diamond _ . The amount of tears he’s shedding is like the love he holds for him. 

Him, who oh so naturally let go of their love. Despite that, his heart remains beautiful, for him only. There’s no place for hatred towards him, mainly because love is the strongest to ever exist, even though they kept hurting each other over and over until they became a memory.

It was only fair to let go. For the sake of both of them. 

You would think it’s only natural for young people to get into relationships and break ups until they find the one, but what if the one is just  _ toxic  _ for you. 

You know you love them and they love you, you know them so well and you know how good you are together. You know you both would never find anyone else that understands you as much as you both do.

Minseok, his diamond. 

_ “Jongdae, what are you doing? How much hate do you have for your own self to torture it this way?”  _

_ “All your love has gone to someone else huh, that you have nothing left for yourself. That’s why it ended. It’s all your fault.” _

_ “Not just Minseok, but even the closest friends you ever had left you. Hell, you’re no one’s favorite; not even to your own mother.”  _

_ “Yes, your mother loves you, just not as much as she loves your siblings for sure.”  _

_ “Huh, you think these people who come to you actually love you? They don’t even like you. They only want your help or your kind heart to use it then smash it when they’re done and throw it at your face.”  _

_ “No one wants you.”  _

_ “No one needs you.”  _

_ “No one loves you.”  _

_ “Cry harder, let them hear. It’s not like they’ll care.”  _

_ “No one cares for you even if you died right now.”  _

All these thoughts ring in his head like a loud alarm he can never turn off so it keeps on ringing and repeating until he loses his mind.

Jongdae remembers how loud he shouted at Minseok who was giving him his back,  _ “I’m sorry, don’t leave me. I want you here with me please _ .” His voice went deep and tears burned his cheekbones, but all Minseok did was shaking his head slowly before walking away…  _ Forever _ . 

That moment, and many other things scarred him for life. He can never love again. Smile genuinely again. Love himself or treat himself better. He doesn’t think he deserves anything good again, not even a little bit of happiness. 

It’s ironically sad how he’s so good at making people fall in love with themselves and put themselves first when he can’t even accomplish it himself. Never. 

Jongdae’s dazed bloodshot eyes spot a razor placed on one of the shelves. He walks towards it in a bedazzled manner and grasps it. 

Eyeing it for a minute carefully before carelessly breaking it apart and taking out the most important yet dangerous part. The razor’s blade. It’s sharp.. so sharp it can cut a skin so easily without even trying. 

There’s no point in continuing this life, right? So might as well… 

What does he have to hold him up from doing it? Friends? He lost most of them and what makes him so sure the few real ones he has would ever stay and not hurt him like others? Love of his life? Left him. His mother? 

His mother. 

It’s true that he’s not really the son she’s most proud of, or loves the most. However, can he do this to her? Can he take the life that she gave to him? How much of a disappointment can he be? 

Can he? 

Or more like

Will he? 

Will he ever find the courage to just end this misery once and for all. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry.


End file.
